A little more to life

It’s been a while. A while since we had any news, and since I wrote here. The exciting thing has been that I’ve been writing elsewhere. From that point of view it’s been an exciting few weeks, in amongst the early winter vomiting bugs that so often stalk school playgrounds at this time of year. We were not spared. On the plus side, I was not the parent carrying the child who was carrying a sick bag out of school this week. Neither was Ben; we had had our turn. That kid was not going to get it all in the bag.

A few weeks ago I was feeling like my horizons had narrowed. I was seeing a lot of the same four walls. I really enjoy writing, messing around with words on a page. But you need a lot of self motivation to do that by yourself and with only four walls I was lacking motivation and inspiration. Then I had an idea.

I am a big fan of dungarees. Dungarees are what I feel best in if pyjamas aren’t an option. I have enough pride to recognise that there are a lot of situations in which pyjamas are not an option. Then I discovered Lucy and Yak. And now I just wear dungarees. As well as the dungarees, the ethos of this company really resonates with me. They set up the best way they could, with the view that they wanted to make choices that were for good rather than profit, although they still have to make a profit. They did the best they could and now they are making it better, bit by bit. This fits with how I feel about life. A little better, bit by bit. Not perfect, knowing that sometimes there are better choices but trying to move towards them even if I’m not quite there right now.

My idea was that I could write their blog: find out about the fabrics they use, issues in the fashion industry, look for feel good news, maybe some short stories. Broaden my horizons, find out about stuff I might not research otherwise. And they said yes! So if you check out their blog, that’s me! 🙃

We are still waiting on the land. Waiting for the trustees to agree to a survey and valuation which will provide an independent view on whether our plans would trigger the overage clause (and if so a big bill – hopefully it will tell us how big..). Then we hope we will know if this plan can move forward. Can’t help wondering if they are playing a game with us.

In the meantime, there’s more to life.

Days pass

Funny the difference from one week to another. Last week, packing and managing some big emotions, this week unpacking and managing different big emotions. No wonder I feel tired.

We wanted to move to this area and I’m glad it has worked out, one way or another. But it was really hard moving out of my parent’s house. We treated our stay a bit like a holiday, at least when we were both there which was less often than you might expect. I really like my parents. It was fun to share this part of our life with them. Of course, we will still share our lives but it is different when you live together. There is good and bad. Mostly there was good, taken with a glass of wine.

It’s interesting to see how, because we are on the move more often, I may be noticing the passing of time more. A few months there, three months here and half a year has gone by. Having a baby makes you notice that too – so much changes for them in the first year. Today I’m glad of that. Birch has said “uh uh uh” meaning “make it all better” for a lot of hours today. It felt like a long one. But now the sun is setting through the bathroom window and the scented candle is bringing the tranquility it advertises and the day is past.

Transition

Birch is wondering whether it would be fun to walk by himself. The big children walked quietly into their new classes for a taster morning at their new school, and we walked round a rather dingy three bed semi for rent, a bit like our old one but not so nice. We are in transition. We are always in transition, just sometimes it’s more obvious than others. This time last year we were making the change from a family of four plus cat to a family of five. The cat is currently on holiday but we hope he’ll come back and be our “plus cat” again. We miss him.

Maybe that’s the trickiest thing about times of transition. You don’t quite know what you’ll miss when the change comes, you also know you’ll never get there, which is to say that you never get to a place of no change, at least not this side of the Big Box.

It did feel like a lot was changing today. Myrtle was pleased to be in purple rather than green. She still seems so small but she set her chin purposefully and in she went. What a fantastic thing, to watch your children face a challenge and have what they need to take it on and come out the other side, smiling. They both had a good morning at their new school. Myrtle found a girl who shares her birthday so obviously they will be friends. I think it was harder for Red; he’s going into year five where the friendships are firmer and the new children will always feel new. He is one of three new starters in his class which may help, and the teachers didn’t put the new kids together which is a good sign. They felt welcome, and Red’s class had a discussion about a book we have at home (The Giving Tree) so he was well prepared.

I am so relieved and very thankful. They are going to be OK. It’ll get harder, but won’t ever seem quite so scary again. And they turned out to be resilient and courageous. It wasn’t too much. It won’t be for me either.

Still waiting on the land.

Bats and Newts

Tonight we are having a bat survey done on the land and derelict house. If there are lots of bats we might have to hold off on demolishing the house until they finish doing their bat things, which I think is September time. Not a huge delay but another bit of waiting. A good opportunity for Ben to spend time in the field, watch the sunset. This is more important than it might sound. A really interesting thing about building a house is working on the design. Houses that are built by large scale developers are typically generic; they choose from a selection of designs that are essentially the same or at least based on a common theme. The results are the new (and not that new) estates that are everywhere. If you don’t have to make lots of decisions about design the whole thing is a lot quicker and cheaper. But it starts to get really interesting when you think about how you could design it.

Ben has been reading a really interesting book about house design and it’s got us thinking about how we use space and how we would like to use it. It’s hard to predict how our family will be in five or ten years time but we’ve got some clear ideas that we think might be important in the design of the house.

One idea that has been interesting is the concept that it’s good to have shared spaces, spaces shared by some, and private spaces. A children’s realm, a kingdom of adults and an expanse for everyone. Obviously at some point we have to put our ideas into a real physical space which is not “materially larger” than the really pretty small house that’s currently on the site. We can think of details later. For today we’ve been talking about the children’s realm. Maybe a 1.5 height part of the house with a shared playroom/sitting/social space. It might work well to have a mezzanine for the bigger children to sit and hang out with friends and the lower level for things like train tracks and lego cities..

Off the shared space the children could each have an alcove bedroom with a high bed tucked in the rafters and underneath space for themselves. I’m pretty sure Red would like a door to his, I think Myrtle might prefer it open, until she’s big enough to prefer privacy to closeness. Up to her I think we’d have one bedroom for all of us. That’s not how Red feels about it.

Once you look outside of the conventional box, there are so many different ways to do things. Which doesn’t necessarily make it easy to decide what to do.

We had an exciting trip to Bristol this week. We’ve found the right person to take us on: Tom at Roundwood design. We had a look around his yard and some of the designs he has completed and saw lots of big, round larch trees ready to become houses. Maybe our house. They have taken 70 years to grow. Our house has been longer in the making than I was aware of. And it’ll be made of good, beautiful stuff.

The outcome of the survey was that there was one bat. Just one. Enough to probably need some kind of licence, but possibly a smaller, cheaper kind than if there were loads of bat’s. We should name him.

Turns out it’s newts you have to worry about. If there are newts we might have to wait for a year to get a licence to live alongside them. Really hoping there aren’t newts. There don’t seem to be newts. Just a lonesome bat.

Hero

Sometimes people wonder if, were they to be caught up in something awful, they would be the one to leap forward and take the bullet, restrain the aggressor, save the masses. Alas not I. Not by instinct anyway.

Quite often when I’m walking home from school with Myrtle and she is zooming along on her scooter I come to a stop and have to consciously urge my legs to move. Heavy legs they are. The reason is that in my mind I have imagined that Myrtle is going to crash and my instinct is to stop dead. My halting progress must be mysterious should anyone look long enough to notice. She never does crash, or at least not in the way I’m expecting but it has led me to the conclusion that if I were caught up in a disaster my instinct would be to freeze.

There’s something similar when a job is multi faceted and seems enormous. My brain freezes and I don’t know what to do. The word for that is overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed by the enormity of a task and my instinct is to freeze.

Things have felt a bit like that this last week, getting all the things out of the old house and into two different places; things we need now to my parents’ house, things we will need later into a friend’s garage. It has been useful to understand how I respond to a big job like that. The most useful thing for me is to ask for a smaller task. Someone tell me where to begin and the ice melts and I can be useful.

I have yet to see Ben overwhelmed. We work well together. He dissects the problem, I’m pleased to do the bits I can do once I can see how to begin. Good teamwork. I think we will need to do some good teamwork on this journey. I’m glad not to be faced with a bullet.

Fly away

We moved out today. So many feelings. More than I expected. There have been so many good things in that house. The best thing was the next door neighbours. The worst thing was maybe the other neighbours. The ones who didn’t like the wood pile. Actually, the ones across the street were also really kind, and kindness really makes a difference.

When we moved, Red was 4, Myrtle was 15 months. Very small. They’ve done so much growing. We’ve done so much growing. Now we are 5. That shock made the floor in the kitchen shake. Or I think it did.

If anyone ever had any doubt about the quality of A.A.Milne’s writing they should read the last chapter of Winnie the Pooh. We can’t read that chapter. We listen to it and wail. There is no stopping those tears. Oh my. Just thinking about it, especially on the day we moved out, starts that off all over again. I know, time moves on. Children grow, spread their wings. It’s what we work for, what we are aiming for and we know it’s what we are watching as the days trickle by in monotony. But stopping to notice sears. Every time. Actually every time. Not literally every time. I hate what the word literally has become. That’s probably the subject of another blog post sometime. For now, time is passing. They are growing up. That’s a wonderful, lovely thing. It is extraordinarily tragic when it’s not the case. Still it hurts.

This is an exciting opportunity, a fantastic family adventure. It will mark our lives and we will mark time in relation to it. “Oh that was just before we started building the house”; “I remember that, it was when we were living at Nan and Dap’s”; “haha yeh, that was just before that big disaster”. Oh hang on, I don’t know about that yet. At least in my future imagination we are laughing at misfortune. Seems positive.

It feels really odd this evening. Home is someone else’s house. I will not say we are homeless. That is a very much more serious thing.

My parents sold the home I grew up in about 18 months ago. That felt odd. Then I realised home is where the people are, so their new house feels like home. Like their home. I expect soon it will feel like our home but we have been spending a lot of time thinking about what our home would be like and those thoughts have made me realise I have changed too. I spread my wings and flew away, but I didn’t really notice what was behind me, focusing only on what was ahead. That’s probably how it should be. Ben and I met when we were 16. Just coming up to 20 years ago. We met and I flew away. In his wedding speech my Dad sounded really pleased. Someone else to bear this burden. I didn’t really notice what now I understand lay behind the smile. It would have been a terrible, sad thing if I didn’t have wings in which to fly in whatever direction I chose. But A.A.Milne captured it again in the poem my Dad wrote out for me:

“Is this the little girl I carried,

Is this the little boy at play?

I don’t remember growing older.

When did they?”

I hope my children grow beautiful wings that will take them to wonderful places. I hope they come back sometimes. I hope it is not too soon. I know it will be too soon.

Monsters seem more real when you’re alone.

We exchanged on our old house. Next we move. No turning back. We are yet to complete on the purchase of the land; some of the legal issues involve a committee of trustees which is not something that is likely to be super speedy and efficient. Just a bit more waiting. That’s ok, waiting is good practice.

We also need to do a bit more thinking. It felt like we were gaining momentum. There’s a guy in the self build world who we were talking to, thinking we would work together, getting excited. It’s really sad. He and his family experienced a tradegy earlier this year. It takes a certain amount of time to heal and grieve and there just hasn’t been enough of that yet. My heart is hurting for them. I’m sad for us too.

What we want to do is to build a home that reflects us, and also one that will help us tread gently on the earth which we have been given to take care of. I think when it describes in Genesis the way God gave the man the garden to tend and keep it is literally true that he should care for the ground that he was given. I also think that is a metaphor for the way in which the man was to care for and look after his wife. Ben has followed this pattern with love, grace and beauty. Never more so than since we discovered my pregnancy last year. His burden has been heavy but he has cared for us and loved us gently and completely. A house he builds will embody that spirit. It is where I want to be. It will also care for the earth better than our current home. I think it is true to say that as humans we have not done a good job of caring for the earth. It can seem like there’s nothing we can do. We want to do what we can and to utilise the wealth of alternative techniques and knowledge around the construction of our home. It was exciting to find someone who wanted to work with us who felt the same way, saw our vision through the same lenses we look through. It feels sad that we won’t be able to take that journey as closely as we thought. I also understand and respect his decision. Family first. Always. Just like Ben.

Red was just explaining to me how he doesn’t like to go downstairs by himself. Somehow when you’re alone monsters seem a bit more real. I see monsters quite often, but Ben is great at seeing them a different way. Just another puzzle, use your brain and you’ll find a way. We will find the way.