Month: April 2025

There was another new sign in the club today, and whilst l did not initiate this one, l did witness what may have been the trigger. It did not occur to me what the implications of what I saw could be, but on reflection I can see that a sign may be needed. However, the one that has been installed is not exactly the one that is required. Although now I come to think of it, it may have the necessary effect without embarrassing the perpetrator. Vallantyne’s may be the kind of place that would wish to avoid any kind of embarrassment.

I had enjoyed my usual 30 lengths, although the fast lane rules had not always been strictly observed. As a result, I sometimes waited at the end for the slow swimmer to go and nearly come back again. I don’t know the swimmer’s name, but they were not giving way. At other times I would swim until I feared a kick in the face and would then stop, turn around and go back to the other end. A difficult change in momentum and it also makes it difficult to count lengths.

Once I had finished, there was the additional frustration of there being no space in the hot tub, and not even anyone I recognised to say hello to. It does happen sometimes. My next choice for post-swim relaxation would be the sauna. However, the saunas are usually well-packed and they are small. They are often also the haunt of a particular type of man with whom I don’t fancy being in close quarters. Thus the final option is a steam room. They are not usually too busy and the steam can provide some extra privacy. On the other hand l do find that on my way out the steam burns my face, which is something to consider before you decide to go in. I weighed up the risks and benefits and decided it was the best option so entered and settled myself. To begin with it was just me and a lady in a red swimsuit. I didn’t recognise her and she didn’t seem keen to talk.

Just as the steam was building up, the door was opened and an older man entered. l am always relieved when someone enters and lets some of the steam out, making it a little less intense. As he sat down, I observed that he was carrying a Financial Times with him, which he opened and sat reading. He was mostly looking at the back page I think. I thought it surprising that someone should read a newspaper in a steam room, and did spend some time considering the percentage saturation needed to make the newspaper droop. However, once the steam had built up again I was starting to feel uncomfortable and as the lady in red got up to leave l decided to go too. Even though I’m quite glad when people open the door and let the steam out, I always feel guilty about doing so myself. This generates a dilemma in that either it is necessary to leave when another person leaves, or if someone else makes an exit and I miss my chance I then have to wait long enough that I don’t annoy the people remaining by letting out the steam too soon. This time, I took the opportunity as the lady in red get up, leaving the man to his damp Financial Times.

l didn’t think about it again until I saw the sign today.

“Do not take inflammable items (e.g. newspapers) into the sauna or steam room”.

The man may have taken his paper into the sauna to dry off. Or worse, he may have left it in the steam room. That would have created a very soggy mess. I am reasonably confident that even the sauna uses no naked flames in its heat generation. But I wonder if items that are flammable (e.g. newspapers) are also likely to become a revolting mulch if left in a steam room. Either way, I suppose the sign solves the problem and averts the dangers of both fire and water.

I am forced to acknowledge that I have been entirely mistaken in Pauline. 

I had had a lovely swim. A brief hello to Paul as I had no time to stop for a chat because I have decided to up my exercise and set myself occasional challenges. My usual will continue to be 30 lengths, but today I was going to make it a kilometre. I don’t want to try for 50 lengths every time because I suspect I would suddenly find more reasons to not go at all, but on a good day it will be a positive boost to feel I have accomplished more. The first 30 I continued with my usual system of alternating between front crawl and breast, and for the next ten it was breast only. A final flourish in my last ten with half as front crawl again. I felt truly triumphant, and also a little shaky about the legs as I pulled myself from the pool. I hadn’t noticed that in the water but once the support had gone and I had to carry my own weight it was noticeable. A few minutes quiet bubbling and then to shower and change.

My timings were slightly different to usual as l had wanted to give myself plenty of time for my challenge, but still l was later than usual leaving the pool. I assume Zena was just arriving as she was getting into her swimming things. I was in one of the cubicles so I heard the exchange between Zena and Pauline from within the safety of privacy. It was entirely puzzling and certainly alarming. Pauline and Zena exchanged a greeting and there was a little chit chat about a shared acquaintance. I paid little attention because it was boring and I was preoccupied with self-congratulation. One of them started using the hair dryer rendering conversation impossible but the white noise was interrupted by an eruption. I was only up to my underwear and half a t-shirt at this point and so felt unable to emerge and uncover the source of the problem but Zena was puffing like a steam train fuelled by indignation and from what I could tell, Pauline was making a defensive run for it.

Quiet descended. Zena was presumably commencing her orderly swim and there was no sign of Pauline, for which I was grateful. I wondered if I might raise the question with Zena next time I saw her but management were swift in their response to her correspondence, with which she had threatened Pauline. A new sign was up in the changing rooms on my next visit and it was a shouty one.

HAIR DRYERS ARE FOR HEAD HAIR ONLY!

There were plenty of people at the pool today. Starting off in the fast lane, it was me, Marc and a flexing guy, Finn. I was a bit concerned that I would need to keep on top of giving way. Marc is quick, Finn was standing at one end stretching his arm muscles and with a physique that promised fluent and efficient movement. He set off a few moments before I was ready for my initial launch. As it turned out, a delay was essential. None of my expectations were fulfilled. He swam three slow lengths of breast and then got out. Perhaps he had pulled a muscle through inadequate stretching.

Within minutes, Marc and I had been joined by someone who didn’t know the rules about giving way at all. Then I realised that whilst it may have been Marc before, this was no longer Marc. No blue and white striped float between the legs. I checked to confirm. Nothing there. Either it was never Marc, or he got out and Not-Marc had got in when I wasn’t looking.

I completed my swim and nabbed an empty hot tub – always a good result. And there was Paul coming over to say hello. He already knew I was there because he had spotted my car in the car park. That’s probably fine and not weird. He has been wondering why we don’t clean it. A keen observation. We don’t clean it.

I’d rather have a swim and bubble. You can’t do everything, after all.

Marc and I came unstuck today. We’re always very careful. The rules for the fast lane are clear. Up one side of the lane down the other carefully giving way to the faster swimmers. The difficulty is that Marc is both super-speedy and inconsistent, by which l mean that he swims timed sets. Six very fast lengths and then a five minute rest. In the end l probably swim a similar number of lengths but mine are more slow and steady.

We have what is now an unspoken arrangement by which when it’s only the two of us in the fast lane I’ll take one side and he’ll take the other. That way there’s no need to give way as we each just swim in our own happy little space. This is how Lorna came to be faced by two people both swimming towards her at pace, heads down, arms flailing.

I wasn’t exactly racing Marc – I would lose – but I was comparing my speed to his so I didn’t notice Lorna until we were just about on her and she was standing in the middle of the lane, hands slightly raised in self protection. So much for carefully following the rules of the fast lane.

Lorna was extraordinarily charitable about the whole thing when once I reached the end where she was patiently waiting to give way to the faster swimmers and offered my shame-faced apology. She was keeping all the rules. In fact she was even gracious enough to compliment me on my swimming technique.

I don’t think I can promise to abandon my arrangement with Marc, but l will try to be more observant. It was nearly a head on collision.

Hardly anyone there today. A few limpets in the hot tub. A man blowing leaves outside. As he walked along the length of the window, the wind was blowing the leaves up behind him, making them fly to a height that matched his height, mocking him with their anarchic imitation. They were having a lot of fun and I guess the man was getting paid and I quite enjoyed watching the way the leaves blew. They weren’t moving around like that anywhere else.

The limpets weren’t getting out of the hot tub so I got in and then they got out. I had thought limpets tended be young spa day spa users, but not today.

It was so quiet I thought it safe to try a tumble turn. The first time I turned a somersault near but not at the end of the lane. Second time I ended up facing sideways with water up my nose. Once I had finished choking l decided that was enough for today, and that my suspicion that it’s not something to try with anyone else anywhere nearby is correct. There’s no knowing quite where you’ll end up but you can be sure there will be additional flailing which would be dangerous. I see an opportunity for the signage to be updated. The question is, write to the local branch or national management?